this morning, i had some activities that reminds me why i stood in Jakarta?, lately, my passion “seems” degraded. from frequently late went to office, not make job done, and felt inferior with others. something that i realized trigger negativity on my mind. i believed its not a good sign though.
this week i also prayed, focused on why i stood in jakarta. i was so idealist , felt smart and always strive for perfection, something that i realized not fit to be applied in job environment. probably, all my idealism weren’t truly fit with company’s values. i prayed and i wished for Allah to re-ignite my Ambition, a fire that i believed still there, waiting gases to be spread and explode such a fireworks.
yesterday i also phone by my ex who is still believed that we still can be together. and i trying to tell that, our relationship was unable to make my fire burned. i need an energy, energy that i cant felt anymore by you, i said. i believed my statement totally egocentric. since the day before she told me that she will moved on from me, its ok though, i would help then.
back to the top, i was joining Jakarta Race, a race held by Yayasan Kanker Indonesia. and met so much people who cares on cancer eradication, runs together, i joined the 10 K (and i considered it was only 8). and i heard that the woman (88) told to public that she survived from cancer, and still alive. and the race was held as charity to help those with cancer who needs aid. my mom, like i ever told you, was not survived from cancer, exactly 14 years ago. and thus make me able to do so many woman thing from cooking (water) until shops for any daily needs and taking care of home; while my father (who also passed away 5 years ago), working in surabaya; doing rat race for 25 years in tanjung perak; surabaya.
i believed that conditions, is not just a mere destiny, a strength that i’ve build along my live. can do anything my self, and lead to the way i looking for couple. until now, i still have 3 women that influencing my path, which is yesterday i realized, 3 of them have 2 equality: 1. height above 160 2. resilience and highly motivated. i was happy to know them closely. and now, on (almost) 25 my age, broken hearted guy (lol), i was under deep undermotivation to do things quite perfectly.
i believed in life, we do have motivation. inside and outside. i do believe my inside motivations cant be removed; since i still on fire to be in pacific asia under my 30, but outside motivation; realized by me as something that i admired. thats why; i do Run, i Do club, i do cafe, i do read, i do gym, i do taking business school, i do i do ido, last night i was having conversation with one of my mentor on doing life in jakarta, this man is the one who teach me all about clubs and liquor and communication.
i seems had barrier while communicating with others, especially someone new, and its become my weakness that i have to conquer. i have to put of the wall that hinder my face, and be more humble, polite, and charm to people. i hope this can make a harmony in my life. i still have “an Aim High – like John legend said in his song”
the next thing. this morning in TVRI, i watched APEC SUMMIT, i ever wrote on my business school essay, about what my ambition; i wanted to be in Davoz, representing Indonesia on world economic forum. probably its to big for someone who dont have clear background. but this morning, watched SBY and Ibu Mari elka Pangestu delivered Speech in front of people across pacific Asia, and explaining about Tri Hita Karana:
1. relations with God: during 2013, i realized i was not frequently praying; but i only praying when i believed its the right time to share story to God.
2. Relations to Nature: i dont have any plant, but i love to see things in green.
3. relations to human: i have to be more open to others and share things (any) more frequently
i started to understand that why does my live seems so boring lately, probably due to my inability to accept my “stuck in a moment” condition, which is Wish unequal with reality, and rise negativity had only make things in my life seem harder. i hope, i can harmonize my thought, deed, and feeling. to make my life happy. i hope my ambition still big, i hope i surounded by highly ambitious people. i hope i will be in the right environment soon, or i have to adapt with condition, or i buried deep in the ground like dinosaurus.
i was so resilient on facing live, and i wont beaten; i wont give up to change my life. i will do things differently from now on. and please angel and God, bless me up, show me the right way, i do know the way, but please hold my hand and bring me to the right Path.
so, could i find the external motivation soon? and felt harmony and happiness.
October 6th 2013.