December 8th, 2013
This writing probably showing my anguish about a preposterous thing I ‘ve been doing now. I sparse to write my story lately; probably due to my tight activities; work; education; novel; running; and of course my love life.
But I felt I found someone interesting me; during late 2 month, and keeps me wandering, that could it be a feeling of intense interest of someone, after brusque and uneasy story of how did I let someone who had been in relation with me; just go away, with no intense hurt or missing feeling. A rare feeling when u loved someone.
Huh; I want to describe it vividly; but my hands; still cant do it with ease; hmmpf… but briefly, my feeling actually glowing now. And I still hoping that this something new, can lit me up. Something that I hoping can re-ignite the light of cave of mine, something that I believed it existed; and it’s really close.
She’s beautiful, smart, and secretive; a condition which I totally wanted to delve into her deeper; even she said that she doesn’t intend to do flirt on me; and mine to; but probably this is what I called; a rejection under intense passion.
December always bring happiness on me; December always reminds me of getting older; and December always a good time to make kind of reflections of my deed. During 2013; I called its an exploration and waiting era; I explore my self about how I supposed to live and what I am stand for; while I also waiting for my business school commenced.
Even I still wandering; on point of what I am stand for; and what do I am in Jakarta, and why do I let go someone I trust; I clearly believed that something Big will come into surface; and I hope it’s a Big positive things, things that bring me into other happiness, happiness that only granted to me and I could share it with people around me; whom I loved. Leaving all things behind, leaving my home; friends; folks, love; only to pursuit something that I don’t even know and doing routines that I believed will works. Despite my frequent spells that I wouldn’t never return to my home. And said that Jakarta is my (only) second destination.
But this is my third year for being in Jakarta since October 10. And what I got? Is it only money I searched? ….
Glooming; Reflection of deeds
You see; get old sometimes makes you more demanding, demand of luxuries, affection, even admiration. And I felt; I’ve changed from just simple boy into one of a kind getting old man. Being victimized by capitalism and demanding so much thing, and sometimes you going to regret if u cant have it. I seems forgot about how long I’ve been immersed with Dalailama live values, Sidharta values, even Nabi Muhammad values. I drinks alcohol barely so much during 2013, get involved on club, and rarely do praying. I just do something to kill my time; to make me happy, for short term. Gets angry easily with those who not in my side, easily recommend to fire people if its not in line with my strategic objective. Probably, my Ex Boss; was right that 2 years ago, he put me on chair and said to me to sharpening my empathy; use feeling on everything you did, and consider about other side feeling.
I grown up without mother, and father, and probably this taught me about being strong and can do anything by myself, always living alone, and rarely share with others; or only shared with others I am interesting in. and honestly; on this writing; I try to reminisce and fix the Hole I made during 2012-2013. During my activity lately; I am in a position that probably those; whom I recommend to be detached from the team, being unable to do job cleverly and in time; is a sucks. You have good intention to do good, but the other who more knowledgeable than you; wont teach you the right way; and play with their words, like snake. i believed what I did on people in my project is right; but to put my self as a man who need to make reflection; I do need change. Or even a promise; that I wont put people on the list; until I teach them, sharpen them. After all, making money or do job is not about like or dislike; value people as human. They have family; they have burden, they have plan; so do I; and maybe; I just easily put the light off. Once a time; I had a man who had 15 years working, and he cant do anything right. And I just give him task and he can’t do it well and in time, and I put him in a condition that he cant do. And on a coffee break; u hear: “it need 1.5 hour to get into office; I have 2 children, and I am happy since my daughter got scholarship from company”. The man whom I intend to rid of; told a story that reminded me of the condition of child, wife. Probably that’s my turning point, of not easily get rid of someone.
Last night, during conversation with my folks; on our way back to Jakarta; after an outing; one of my friend asked me; if you are in a castile, and you see a table full of fruit, and you unintentionally tore the glass to the floor; what would you do? Three of us had a intense talk about personal matter; and I answered that I would let go; since I cant fixed the broken glass. Even I felt guilty; but he concluded that I can easily let someone go, and not try to fix things that broken, probably it could be true, but maybe its also a poke into my way of doing life.
As; I wont live only for 50 0r 60; I want to live longer; my age will shifted into 25 soon, and I should make progress, a progress that can change my way; my paradigm on how I supposed to live, caring others, and understand others feeling. I don’t have so many friends, but I only have small number of friend, that I can intensely share with. Most of them are inspiring and I wont let them just gone. And maybe this is the reason that I must repair my self. Try to be more humble; honest, and treat people with respect.
In this letter, of course I wanted to apologize those I had hurt their feeling. Those who love had iced, and children cry that might be caused by me. I am a person who believed on Karma, believed on what we did to others will reciprocate into our live. And lesson I learned that “Train before Tear” . and the last thing; I had trouble on procrastinate thing that I must get done. I failed to prioritize things matter to me. And while I put me; my Ego is something that I must conquer. I hope; I can change and be a truly matang man. Can stand on my own foot; and can run with others, achieve high dream;
“persl scope – bill evans 1959”
“Dream High, No procrastinate, Do Now”