I have been wandering to a question:
“what i must do to accelerate my self, for achieving what I’ve been dreaming of?
I am grateful, I just turned into 28, I felt nothing I can be proud of, but some friends told me that I’ve been doing things that has changed me into what I am now. It started 8 years ago, when I day dreamed to work in Jakarta and took best business school in Indonesia on my University library, and i am reading SWA magazine, I even i worked in biggest conglomeration which had been send to Hong Kong for exclusive trainee program with those who studied in top university in UK, US, and Singapore, those who had widen my perspective on seeing the world.
I had finished 2 marathons for last 4 months in Bali and Jakarta. and put world 7 marathon as my next target before i turned into 40. and be able to do triathlon under 30. I really into this endurance race. but i must reconsider of being champion, since i am not the fastest. but given the race result at least i always at the top of 30% participant. not the best in class yet.
I am grateful, surrounded by inspiring friends and mentors who indirectly pushed me and notified me to keep track on my goals and achievements. even some said i tend to be picky for befriend with people, but that’s not true, because i believe that I will be genuinely interested to go out if we both have chemistry, I do not want to push such kinda boring relationship but with no interesting content to be talked about. i realized that I am not interesting, but at least I know and can feel those whom i really befriend with, is really genuine. i really do not agreed with artificial friendship.
The problem lies on what next, I felt that with the fast paced changes both in the real and business world, i need to foster my competitive advantage than my peers, where not only taking technical skills but also leadership capability.
During last 2 years, this strength has been dulling, I rarely use it, where I tried to be imperfect and not demanding. for example, I tried to avoid some responsibilities which the idea initiated by me. My last business school project, the idea was from me, but i was not taking the leadership role, and gave it to my friend. My Innovator team project in 2015, i also given up the responsibility to other team, and probably the last was on coffee project, where i should taking the responsibility to steer the wheel.
My last personal appraisal, my leader gave special spotlight on my leadership skills, where I assigned to grind down my capacity to lead a team, even there still no direct line that I must control, but I do agreed with her statement.
I tried to give example of my negligence:
- not able to listen carefully –> during meeting with people more than 10, i always lead the meeting and sharing the purpose, and keep track on all of the conversation, but sometimes i miss interpret on what people saying, i think this is because of when people explain his thoughts, i always nodding my head, it seems to show that i am understand what he is talking about, but honestly i do not get the idea, or the eye contact was too long and I unable to figure out quickly what i wanted to say to counter the conversation; not effective. What I must do? i think i need to not pretend that i understand (with risking people will say that i am not quick learner) but we don’t know what we don’t know. i must be able to be in present moment, not too much thinking on what i must do next in conversational context.
- Bad Writing habit –> since i lead the meeting and make sure everyone grab the ideas, sometimes in some conversation, and when trying to make notes after meeting, i spent 3 hours, to rewrite, and to understand my own writing, i also record the meeting with my phone, to make sure i am not loss the points, and as you know rewrite and re-listen voice, is hell taking lot of time and energy. i think i can do it better by restate the meeting notes before meeting ends. but i really like to write, but i hate my own writing, its really difficult to read, but if better writing can be a goal, i will choose it as my near future goal.
- Come with an empty handed idea – no concept to bring onto the table. it was content of my conversation with my mentor within company, that an officer role is to bring concept and prove that it works; and that made him reach his current position. I am totally agreed on the concept thing. but that my weakness, during last 4 months, I do not comes up with a concept, i tend to brainstorm, on what best idea to be applied by absorbing everyone solution. it has weakness that those that I asked for contribution, sometimes do not know what they are doing. Collaboration seems will be effective if everyone legitimately represents their skills. A friend told me, when you come to me, what your concept? I said to him, that i do not have concept, I came to him to ask for what he did, as an expert. at the moment, I felt embarrassed. I laughed, and said to him that i wanted to learn from him, even later on he explain his things, I totally do not like the word selection that he use to encounter me. and then, I have a peer to compete with now. which means, I must show what am i capable of in a subtle and eloquence way; things that i called flanking attack. I like this adrenaline rush.
- Not tracking my project –> this is also my biggest fault, for the last 1 year, i always using short term management, (depend on luck and serendipity, rarely involving other people, it works for single operations) but it totally doesn’t work, especially if you have partner who is such a watchdog where his appearance unpredictable and distracting, and of course that’s not my direct line, but peers, and i don’t like it in professional way. thus from now on, i must taking the responsibility to rule my own project. i do not want to be cocky, but i must believe that my capability is far beyond my friend.
That are my negative list for professional way, but i also facing some negative list for my social live:
- priority management –> currently i involved in two hobby project, where it has taken plenty of my after office time. made me literally return by 12 am. It has risking my sleeping time reduced, I had known the consequences, I had fixed schedule for team meeting on Tue, Wed, and Sat. but it seems that plenty distraction during the meeting process must be reduced. to remain effective, i think i should be more discipline on how many hours i must spend to meet them. I don’t even have time to read books with the reason that i do not have proper writing desk in my boarding house.
- Health management –> I rarely have time for long distance run now, and getting more sloppy by only run for 10 minutes in gym. in addition my smoking habit get worse, it just so quick to spend 1 pack during my side project meeting, kinda chain smoker community here.
- Finance Management –> I felt that i quite discipline in this matter, but i still need to improve, by reducing my credit card savvy behavior into cash basis or prepaid card, thanks for go pay which makes me easier to manage my bill. and RDN account that makes me unable to cash out my asset easily.
- Live Shelter –> December is one of pivotal moment in my life Journey, for the first time in my life, i allocate my weekend to decide which location that i wanna live in, i had been touring to Depok, Ciputat, Pamulang, Pondok Labu, Bintaro, and Cinere. I even calculate the number of redlight, and probabilities of traffic during weekdays and weekend, and facilities surrounding the location. if the location is above 15km from TB simatupang, the housing price still below 1 Billion IDR, but in Cinere the price has reached 1 Billion and thats very small. while apartment still priced below 1 Billion in Cinere, so decided to apply housing loan from bank, where i don’t know whether it approved or not. the interesting part on my endeavor to search housing is, finally I know the price of house in Fatmawati, Kemang, and Cinere, the location that i wanted to live in priced around 2-6 Billion. I just falling love with South Jakarta. but given the fact that i don’t have sufficient fund by the time i am writing this note, I think it’s good for me to keep my ambition to have a proper home in South Jakarta before i get 35. and it made me things to figure out, what disruptive solution to make me able to have it?
My Problems sounds so materialistic, it ended up with my inability to purchase the housing that i wanna be into, to live in present. Most of time, my desire, aspirations, and appetite is beyond what i have now; even for female things that i truly picky. but that has empower me to do more, that’s the energy to move me beyond my comfort condition which i already grateful on what I got. If i am not seeing the sky, I never know how far i can fly. I too much seeing ground lately, being too grateful with what i had, but seeing the price of property, I must work hard to achieve this. by collaborate with right partner, prioritizing on things that important, and sharpen my technical and strategic capability.
it still long way to go, i wishing to live until age 80, still 52 years to go. what happening during last 7 years, i felt so grateful. but i must reach my potential.
Dancing With another Man
Coffeewar, December 26th 16:11 PM.