Category Archives: emotinote

father’s day and his 3 commands

this week totally wrecked on health. and yesterday i gotta see the doctor, for making sure my condition quite fine enough. and she said that i was fine. but she put focus on my “amandel” thing, which considered troubled my respiration.

and she explained about the symptoms of this syndrom. that in the night i’ll get woke up in the mids of my sleep,  and this is quite clear that i thought during my whole life,i always felt this condition. and i thought it was due to Ghost attack, something in javanese called “tindihen” , where you felt that u cant breath and u see a ghost right in front of your eyes, tryna to kill you.

oh, okey, then she recommend me to see THT doctor, which i considered never done before, but, i’ll gonna make though, but i dont know when.

lately, i still focusing on how to make my life more neat and i can do things efficiently, regarding to my opinion, my life seem lost its focus. probably due to my party Up project i’ve made since july 2012 till present. i felt struck when i cant go out in the friday or saturday night.

i think i gotta fixed this things up. i knew i can make something bigger than just having some kinda hanky penky, and this morning, i just cut all of my credit card bill since 2012-2013, almost fueling my dustbin, and i cut it through into pieces, and i read many of the bill are contained club name. oh hell, that’s all of the money i invested on learning about drinks, nightlife, and wine lately, seems to much, and probably i could use it for another occasion from now on.

i am not regret on what i did, this is part of my learning circle. 24-25 is an age where i Must Know all of happiness that youth having. and the next step, i should be more put my concern on health and my financial stability.

october 20, actually was my father day, he passed away on 2008. it was 5 years passed. probably, this is one of out last photo, together,

Image

i dont have any gift for my father, 1 think i didnt do that i was not praying that day to him, i felt guilt of that. so as my apologies, i wanted to share values that my father told me:

1. be simple, “sederhana”

2. humble “baik ke orang”

3. never use drugs “jangan pake narkoba”

i believed that in 3rd point i never have involved on that. 1 thing i tryna strenghten is my father ability to easily talk with people humbly, and you know, my father have only 2 hobby:

1. Tennis

2. jogging/running

thats what he do, while his 25 career working for Pelni, as a cashier. on weekend thats all he do. now when i am in a position, as a working class also, i can felt what my father feels. meeting family on weekend must be a heaven, and what i did was, during his late life, i rarely return home on weekend, haha; i am sorry.

i started my running project on May, i never think about it before, but while i run, i felt my body like enjoy it so much. probably its already inherit on my Gene, that my father and i like running.

next is tennis, i already have the racket from my father, and my boss said tennis also trained us to swing in golf course easily. hmmm, seems nice to do,

i hope November (rain), will make me have more focus. concentration. and wishfully affection (new). haha. its been long time since i decided to broke up with my ex.

i hope she’s happy out there. since i seems happy too in here. during my early marticulation class in PMBS, i thought i also cant easily concentrate. i must learn to make it easier to focus,
semoga bapak selalu happy. and i hope i can make you happy there, both. the only thing i can do, is praying. and wishing that you’all happy. i knew my deeds in here brutally  cant be tolerated by you, like i said, this is my 24-25 trip. in a galaxy night where i cant felt happiness and then boredom. and i hope its enough for me. enough for investing on the night, i’ll do more proper thing from now on.
tomorrow i will join jakarta marathon, actually i wish for 22k, but seems my health cant make it through, wishing tomorrow cough will gone.
Bless Me Up.
@PMBS-Cilandak
Oct 26 2013
 

in search of harmony; Tri Hita Karana

this morning, i had some activities that reminds me why i stood in Jakarta?, lately, my passion “seems” degraded. from frequently late went to office, not make job done, and felt inferior with others. something that i realized trigger negativity on my mind. i believed its not a good sign though.

this week i also prayed, focused on why i stood in jakarta. i was so idealist , felt smart and always strive for perfection, something that i realized not fit to be applied in job environment. probably, all my idealism weren’t truly fit with company’s values. i prayed and i wished for Allah to re-ignite my Ambition, a fire that i believed still there, waiting gases to be spread and explode such a fireworks.

yesterday i also phone by my ex who is still believed that we still can be together. and i trying to tell that, our relationship was unable to make my fire burned. i need an energy, energy that i cant felt anymore by you, i said. i believed my statement totally egocentric. since the day before she told me that she will moved on from me, its ok though, i would help then.

back to the top, i was joining Jakarta Race, a race held by Yayasan Kanker Indonesia. and met so much people who cares on cancer eradication, runs together, i joined the 10 K (and i considered it was only 8). and i heard that the woman (88) told to public that she survived from cancer, and still alive. and the race was held as charity to help those with cancer who needs aid. my mom, like i ever told you, was not survived from cancer, exactly 14 years ago. and thus make me able to do so many woman thing from cooking (water) until shops for any daily needs and taking care of home; while my father (who also passed away 5 years ago), working in surabaya; doing rat race for 25 years in tanjung perak; surabaya.

i believed that conditions, is not just a mere destiny, a strength that i’ve build along my live. can do anything my self, and lead to the way i looking for couple. until now, i still have 3 women that influencing my path, which is yesterday i realized, 3 of them have 2 equality: 1. height above 160 2. resilience and highly motivated. i was happy to know them closely.  and now, on (almost) 25 my age, broken hearted guy (lol), i was under deep undermotivation to do things quite perfectly.

i believed in life, we do have motivation. inside and outside. i do believe my inside motivations cant be removed; since i still on fire to be in pacific asia under my 30, but outside motivation; realized by me as something that i admired. thats why; i do Run, i Do club, i do cafe, i do read, i do gym, i do taking business school, i do i do ido, last night i was having conversation with one of my mentor on doing life in jakarta, this man is the one  who teach me all about clubs and liquor and communication.

i seems had barrier while communicating with others, especially someone new, and its become my weakness that i have to conquer. i have to put of the wall that hinder my face, and be more humble, polite, and charm to people. i hope this can make a harmony in my life. i still have “an Aim High – like John legend said in his song”

the next thing. this morning in TVRI, i watched APEC SUMMIT, i ever wrote on my business school essay, about what my ambition; i wanted to be in Davoz, representing Indonesia on world economic forum. probably its to big for someone who dont have clear background. but this morning, watched SBY and Ibu Mari elka Pangestu delivered Speech in front of people across pacific Asia, and explaining about Tri Hita Karana:

1. relations with God: during 2013, i realized i was not frequently praying; but i only praying when i believed its the right time to share story to God.

2. Relations to Nature: i dont have any plant, but i love to see things in green.

3. relations to human: i have to be more open to others and share things (any) more frequently

i started to understand that why does my live seems so boring lately, probably due to my inability to accept my “stuck in a moment” condition, which is Wish unequal with reality, and rise negativity had only make things in my life seem harder. i hope, i can harmonize my thought, deed, and feeling. to make my life happy. i hope my ambition still big, i hope i surounded by highly ambitious people. i hope i will be in the right environment soon, or i have to adapt with condition, or i buried deep in the ground like dinosaurus.

i was so resilient on facing live, and i wont beaten; i wont give up to change my life. i will do things differently from now on. and please angel and God, bless me up, show  me the right way, i do know the way, but please hold my hand and bring me to the right Path.

so, could i find the external motivation soon? and felt harmony and happiness.

 

AIM HIGH;

 

coffeewar;

October 6th 2013.

 

delayed school; new purpose; and new girl (maybe)

within these quartile, i meant, second quartal of 2013. i’ve been in-out into several clubs in jakarta. and i am happy for doing that, even its also had trobled my living budget. its fine though, since i also learn and of course have some fun, dancing and met new people.

from people with straight character, into lines character. from ladies loves ladies, form man kissed man. something that i had only read on one novel called lelaki terindah, which i read in my senior high school library. something that i never known until now, i see it in front of my eyes.

i also lil bit changed my dress style, haircut also, and in turns, had lied me into a condition (around 2 months ago) in colours surabaya, from a girl who asked me “are u straight or lines” and last month into the same club, the GRO (who is finally considered to be lines) treat me so much drinks when he was serving some amsterdam expatriate who visits surabaya. i dont said that i am kinda guy who is attractive for men, but probably its due to my style which lead to that perceptions.

but its oke, i do believed that during 2013, i said into my self, that i gotta change. (not to change my sexual preference of course), i must changed into someone who is more extrovert, more communicative, and dare to try new things. since i finally realise, that i used to be a too serious, too much thinking, and lil humour, something that i dont like. of course, i like to joke, have fun, and met new people. so, in the second quarter, i started to be honest into my self , who i am. sounds arrogant huh?

i dont wanna have those tittle though. i just wanna be who i am.

so, my #1 purpose: keep growing my self and be who i am

THe Delayed School:

last week, i got an email from PMBS that telling me, 28 batch just canceled to be started by june 16. due to DIKTI’s decision to fit PMBS schedule with all Graduate school schedules. so, i got my plan; lil bit messed up. i said that by june, i will stop the party, and disco-ing weekend, and focus on my study. now, i still gets confused, on what i gotta do until october. so, i started new ambition, which are: a. join jakarta marathon on october

b. improve my social skills through meet new friend

c. strengthen my english

d. learn chinese (since i was met beautiful chinese, but i cant understand her)

so, if i have priorities, seems marathon, will be my Next Big project on the third quarter. and chinese language, i still dont have any idea how to develop it.

new girl (maybe)

on early april, i Broke up with ninik, women who really treat me earnestly never asking to much, and loyal to me. its hard nowadays to find that kind of women. it was a HUGE decision in my life. how could i just broke with someone who already more than 7 years i knew ( i met her on 2006), and intensely for 5 years, and broke with no reasons. but, its my decision, i do believe there’s no third party in our relationship. i just tryna to understand my life, am i the right one for her, at this moment. but, honestly, no one can treat me like she did. yes she really is. i hope i wont regret my decision. since its really part of my process to be more mature. i hope this decision will lead us into brighter future. since a big decision, always followed by a new big thing; but we dont even know, whats gonna come, bad or good.

a new girl maybe, an ex girlfriend with new mindset, or a new girl with exactly new perspective.

and it will be my last.

 

coffewar, june 08,13.

rain outside, and just hot chocolate, and famous dji samsoe, on the table.

Blessing, Hari Ulang tahun (alm) Ibu, 1960-1999 – 52 on 2012 and My PMBS Acceptance letter

in this life, i still holds on my dream and keep on pursuing it.

i remembered, it was on october 2010 writing, on my first month living in jakarta. i wrote about PMBS. and Gladly, right in the day of my mother birth, the answer came up. when i read those announcement, i was driving car on my way to Kuningan City, with my friend Wendy. he was also the person who knows that i passed the 1st test.

first, i wanted to thank to my parent who always blessing me in every pursuit i did. then the problem is not here, i am glad, but there’s 2 things that would hinder me:

1. my project application could be affected

2. my directors would get angry cz he wanted me to enter MMUGM, since its the only university provides weekend class- PMBS only on MON,WED,FRI,

3. that my budget gets so tight

hash… its kinda dilemmatic options, between having it this year or next year. my feeling sense its better i entry right now. since i would be graduated on my 26, that would be a right time. yeah. probably, life is a choice. during writing this, i still didnt decided yet.

probably, i need an excell to count the probability, or should i count on my clothe button?

but afterall. happy birthday ibu, probably my acceptance letter is one of my gift for you, and keep your blessing to me. i hope i can shine brighter, like diamon…d…s

PMBS Acceptance letter

coffewar, february 23rg 2013

on asia pacific, i dreamed on

 

Surat Untuk Ibu

hi Ibu…

Maaf ya, mungkin ini baru pertama kali, aku menulis surat buat mu…

memang sih dulu usiaku masih 11 tahun, masih belum bisa nulis surat.

dan sekarang, setelah 11 tahun (kalender masehi) sepeninggalmu;

umurku sudah hampir 22 tahun…

belum ada kontribusi nyata yang ku berikan bagi keluarga,

mungkin Ibu sedikit terhibur dengan gelar sarjana ekonomi yang kumiliki,

tapi tentu masih ada banyak hal yang harus tak capai, termasuk sekolah di MBA ITB ato MM UGM.

-June 27 2010

sedikit terpana melihat draft tulisan di atas, ternyata sudah ada di draft semenjak 1.5 tahun yang lalu. kini sudah january 2013. so,mungkin surat untuk ibu ini yang akan jadi motivasi pribadi untuk fight for my mission.

siang tadi barusan doddy call me tanya-tanya soal UGM, dan penasaran dengan lokasinya, refocus

Berat 71kg merupakan penyebab amygdala lemot

Coffewar, january 5th 2013.

nothing is so good that last eternally, perfect situation must go wrong…

Lately, life seems boring. jadi bingung mau ngelakuin apa. setelah di pikir-pikir, selama 2012, banyak hal mubadzir yang terlakukan, including merokok, ngopi, dan ngebir. untuk hal terakhir, adalah hal yang masih ga lazim bagi orang bangil, yang ngaji secara rutin hingga umur 16 tahun.

jakarta memang banyak merubah hidup, dan pola hidup. dari ga suka nongkrong di cafe buat cari inspirasi, sekarang selalu pengen ke tempat ini setiap kali ada inspirasi. mungkin juga karena kosan kurang bikin imajinasi melambung.

pokoknya my life di penghujung tahun seems to be stuck, sepertinya ada missing dot. yang nggak tahu hilang dimana. dan setiap saat perasaan itu muncul…bikin hati jadi amburadul. apa mungkin pertanda jauh dari Tuhan? oh, tidak boleh berujar demikian, karena Tuhan ada di hatiku.

ya 2012, memang sedikit merasa jauh dari Tuhan, bisa jadi karena yang kupahami dari apa yang kucerna dari yang Anand Krishna ajarkan tentang Yesus, Muhammad, Sidharta, Dharma, dan Tao, semuanya terlebur yang kemudian mempertemukanku dengan ajaran Dalai Lama tentang Detachment atau melepaskan diri dari hal duniawi dan berkembang dengan pertemuan dengan deepak chopra…

ya itu lah beberapa hal yang membuatku menjadi seperti ini, terlihat jauh dari Tuhan, dan yang terlihat itu khawatirnya membaur menjadi hal yang terasa olehku. bingung juga, bingung lagi.

minggu ini, atau 10 hari terakhir tepatnya, kondisi fisik ku kurang bagus, bisa jadi karena kehidupan malam yang belakangan bikin metabolisme tak stabil. yang jelas, setelah malam natal sampai tahun baru, badan ini terasa seperti dead mead, atau daging bakso lebih tepatnya. dan keanehan paling mutakhir adalah ada sariawan di tenggorokanku. sumpah, demi tuhan, aku takut kena kanker, dan kuputuskan untuk ke dokter, aku ke dokter dua kali dalam seminggu, bisa karena kliniknya di dalam lingkungan kantor, apotekernya yang manis, atau memang aku sakit.

anggap saja aku sakit, dan aku ke klinik yang dekat dan di hibur oleh apoter yang manis, dan di doakan agar lekas sembuh. perasaan di doakan itulah yang mungkin kudambakan. lekas sembuh, terakhir mungkin aku mendengarnya di rumah sakit masyitoh, saat bapak masih ada….

karena perasaan takut sakit ini lah, kemarin ku putuskan untuk kembali ngegym di dekat kosan. pengen sebenarnya ngegym di celebrity fitness, tapi kata si Monic, membershipnya udah 550 ribu, itu bisa buat beli mac kali ngangsur setiap bulan. aku putuskan untuk jadi member Maxima aja, fitness center ini lokasi nya di jalan fatmawati, cuma 5 menit dari kantor. harganya separuh celfit. lumayan buat saving.payahnya, saat di cek di mesin pengukur berat…beratku jadi 71kg. ini berat terberat yang pernah kumiliki, mungkin inilah penyebab kenapa hidupku menjadi terasa berat. otak ku…amygdalaku, terlumuri lemak…DHL…DHL yang bisa pecah dan akibatkan penyumbatan arteri. oh tidak., aku tak mau terkena Stroke, stroke yang bisa di mulai dari vertigo seperti yang di alami temanku, doddy… tiddaaaak…. i must be a health boy… lelaki sehat…sehat luar dalam.

71kgs and will be 67 on march

so, 2013 kumulai dengan balik ngegym biar gag sakit dan gag pergi ke dokter. jadi ingat waktu muda, kalau sakit, bapak cuma perlu ngeluarin biaya paling tidak 35 ribu ke dokter Liliani. nah sekarang, walaupun di bayarin kantor kalo sakit, bisa-bisa sekali bayar biaya dokter udah 350 ribu. oh man, this is the price that u have to pay for a health is high bro…so better mencegah daripada mengobati….

jadi ingat kata-kata salah satu sahabat, “kamu merokok terus, itu artinya kamu gag sayang sama badanmu, sama badanmu aja gag sayang, apalagi sama orang lain” :$ …. yeah,

Quit Smoking? can I?

back to main topic.

sebenarnya, kegelisahanku muncul ketika beberapa hari ini sedang menghabiskan novel ayu utami, yang judulnya cerita cintra enrico. entah kenapa, cerita ini nginspirasi biar aku nggak jadi ayam leghorn… atau ayam yang makan, tidur, dan bertelur. harusnya aku jadi ayam kampung yang berpetualang, ayam kampung yang berani untuk loncat-loncat bikin onar, dan hidup bebas.

mungkin juga dampak pekerjaan atau rutinitas yang lately membuatkua boring, bahkan meaningless di 6 bulan terakhir. sangat berbeda ketika kondisiku di semarang. hidup di semarang selama 3 bulan, walaupu tetap kesepian, tapi aku menemukan hidup yang seru. hidup yang kutentukan sendiri. hidup yang ga boring.

hidup dalam rutinitas baru yang menarik…. berangkat pagi, pulang ngegym di in balance novotel, pulang jam 9 lalu ke peacock coffee di daerah dekat kosan sambil minum capucino…. di bawah lampu sorot kecil yang langsung mengarah ke meja… aku bisa menulis, dan mengimajinasikan apa yang ada di pikiranku, tanpa ada yang menganggu…. sunggu perasaan yang sangat kudambakan. entah mengapa hatiku gemertar kala menuliskan ini, mungkin juga inilah alasan kenapa aku suka  berada berjam-jam di coffewar. akus erasa memiliki me time di sini.

bisa jadi menulis merupakan hal yang begitu kunikmati, even banyak yang tak bisa kubagi dalam bentuk tulisan di blog. aku menikmati. mungkin juga aku salah memilih dunia, dunia keuangan. mirip dengan mislailai yang turnaround dari hidupnya yang bankers, untuk jadi traveler dan freelancer. mungkin hidupku akan seperti itu. yang jelas aku menikmati perasaan menulis dengan bebas.

aku tak tahu, takdirku seperti apa, yang jelas, yang kuperbuat sekarang adalah untuk mendanai mimpiku. dan selalu aku tak akan pernah menyerah sebelum semua bucket list hidupku terwujud. ….

othing is so good that last eternally, perfect situation must go wrong…

 

Jakarta, January 5th 2013.

with kopi toraja campur susu.

 

Fahmi

get my life back into SHAPE

let me make it in more frequently used language. i am 23 years and 5 month now. realized for getting old. I see lots of changes happend on me. from a boy who used to be eat segopecel to become someone who frequently eating steak. i felt dramatical changes happend on me, from using matarmaja train for go to jakarta which takes 22 hours sit, holding poops, and being winded by the dust; into becoming Graduda frequent fliers. from someone who scared to drive a car being into some one who able to conquer jakarta wihout a map. from someone who only go to Surabaya for travel, now i can travel accross sumatera, borneo, bali and whole java island.

terimakasih ya ALLAH.

I believed. its such a gift from You. I write this letter to show you my Gratituted to You ya Allah. even i frequently put Budha face as my Blackberry,Twitter, and Facebook photo profile, it doesnt meant i am worship Him. I respecting him, and do some his deed in life, since i believed, this world will be more interesting if we can share and care with others, as HumanKind. in this vesak day, i remembered, in 2009, when I got Stuck with my life, My Father passed Away, My Brother Divorced with her wife, and I lost Ilma’s Love.

back to 2009, At That time, I was 20.  I started to know about what a youth life. I drinks, I play with girls around, I went to club frequently. I did it intentionally, with-or without my folks, i went there alone. I was Inspired by western living; which i thought it was cool. Studying hard and play hard. I get scholarship from University frequently so i can save my money, to another think such as going to club. i rarely buy clothes. U see, even in my own cupboard; i still have my 2006 RSCH clothes, wow, it is already 6 years ago. i wanted to show that i am not too much spend on fashion, like those at my age spend their money.

The first shock, was when i lost my father. by the end of 2008. due to psychological disorder. but first, i wanted to describe; who my father is, based on my perspective: he love tennis, He love his family, and Humble. In bangil 5 of 10 people will know my father’s name. the thing I learned so much from him: Simplicity, Humility, and Honesty.

those three words, is the background about my writing tittles, Get life back into shape. into Simplicity, Humility, dan Honesty.

i hope i can forget my past experience soon, about left by those i loved. and moving forward. it has been 3 years since that time. and i must keep up with my life. lights up my heart. and cheering with others. i wanted to have a happy and laughing photo in the beach with those i love. i will make it soon. please let me forget her.